InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "He is filled with turtle meat."

i have always found melodrama to be distasteful, and i'm not good at sharing, even if i've had to share almost everything in my life since the day i was born, whether i like it or not. part of that whole twin deal, whether or not i actually believe in paranormal abilities and psychic links -- which, for the record, i do. sort of. there is no one in this world who knows me better, and sometimes better than i even know myself. so it's understandably frightening when even the person who knows me best doesn't even know what's going on inside my head. which is my fault. not his. he has his own life, and i didn't want to interrupt or interfere, whether or not he disagrees about my involvement. point is, we might be close, but in the end...we're two separate people. i have my own problems that i need to deal with.

lately, i've been withdrawn, tired, and moody -- which isn't out of the ordinary, although probably aggravated by a crazy boss who decided to strip me of vacation time right after the new year. but that's a petty thing to get pissed about. i get paid decently enough for doing nothing the rest of the time, and the people i work with aren't bad. i've had worse jobs. and missing out on mexico? sure, it sucked that i got left behind, but i'm glad that everyone else seemed to have a good time and made memories that will last. none of that is the root of the problem, just the catalyst for my revelation.

i'm not happy. i haven't been, not really, in a long time. and i didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else, how awful it feels for things to be so stagnant. i live every day of my life just to get by...and it's not enough anymore. i want and need to change, not because of anyone or anything, but because i know i have to. for myself.

my mother always said that i had a short attention span. she refused to pay for ballet lessons because she knew i would quit two weeks in. she probably would've been right, because she always is. there's no arguing with her, everyone in the family knows it, dad especially. he's had at least twenty years of experience. but i digress -- mom's right about me, i'm bad at commitment. it's not something i'm proud of, but i dumped a guy after he asked me to move in with him. i'm not sure if it's true, but someone told me they had seen him at a jewelery store the week before, checking out rings -- and i knew this before i told him we should see other people. maybe it was the biggest mistake i've ever made and the worst thing i have ever done to another person, but...it would've been worse if i'd said yes, because i'd just be dragging someone down with me. it's a choice i can live with. but i can't live with the way i am now, in a dead end job, goalless, lost, trivial and unimportant.

so i'm taking a trip out west, and even if exploring part of my past doesn't seem like the most efficient way to figure out my future, i genuinely believe that it might help me rediscover some of my ambitions. ironically, the moment i call mom to tell her that i need to take a trip, she starts getting pissed at me for leaving a job she hated in the first place. dad, on the other hand, is incredibly enthusiastic and said he would give me some money to rent a van and buy supplies...which i don't need, but i appreciate the gesture, and agreed to at least take his spare camping gear and emergency survival kit, "just in case." he's cute when he worries, and like it or not, i'll always be daddy's little girl.

i'm going to be fine -- granted, i can't make any promises about what will actually happen out there on the road. there could always be an accident. there could always be an axe murdering hitchhiker stalking us. but i know what i have to do, and i have a vague idea of where i'm going, and i'm not that bad of a driver. i won't be alone, hopefully, and if i'm lucky, i might actually find what i'm looking for, or at least a hint about it. tomorrow, i call my boss and tell him that i'm taking off for a while, and either he'll fire me, or put my job on hold for a couple of weeks. then i have a few more contacts to reach to make sure there's room for me and friends. i'm hoping to have the car packed and ready by tuesday morning. after that, we pull out of my driveway and hit the open road and whatever lies beyond.